


Little do you know

by Isabeauu



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-19 19:31:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10646556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isabeauu/pseuds/Isabeauu
Summary: "Little do you know how I'm breaking while you fall asleep."Even is manic and Isak has no idea until it's too late.





	1. Even

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this story months and months ago. I planned on getting it close to the acutal SKAM episodes and what happens in them but the longer I was writing, the more I felt like maybe I should change it a bit. The parts I kept are the hotel scene, Even's manic episode and some tiny other things that happen throughout the story. 
> 
> The first part of the story will be Even POV and then I'll switch to Isak POV. The story is done so I'll be updating every other day or so probably. 
> 
> Also, side note, English is (very obviously) not my first language so sorry for every weird sentence or mistake still in here.

**_Fredag 09.12.17   kl 00.17_ **

Even feels high, high, so high. So happy. He hasn’t felt this happy in probably forever. He can’t remember ever feeling this good. He bustles around the hotel room and forgets what he was about to do before he reaches the door to the bathroom, so he turns back and stops in his tracks for a moment. Isak is sleeping peacefully in the biggest bed Even has ever seen. He smiles to himself, sits next to him for a moment and jostles Isak until he wakes up.

“Isak, it’s a beautiful night out”, Even smiles widely, “please come outside with me? It’s so pretty, look at it, all the lights for the holidays. It’s almost Christmas, Isak. It’s so beautiful, just like you. I want to show you this place I discovered recently, it’s very pretty. Come with me.”

And he’s up and walking again, looking for clothes and grabs whatever comes in sight first, doesn’t care if it matches or he has to force his head through the sweater because it’s not his. When he can’t, he throws the sweater to the ground and decides to go without. Who needs clothes anyway? He can’t wait to be outside, it’s so damn pretty to walk around Oslo at night. All the lights are on and there’s Christmas decorations everywhere and it’s so calm this time of the day, there’s no one there and you can do whatever the fuck you want. It sounds like paradise to Even.  

“Even, have you slept at all?”

“Life’s too good to be asleep, Isak”, he sighs in consternation because he can’t believe Isak. He’s so silly. He leaps on the bed to press a kiss on Isak’s cheek before jumping back up and continuing his search to find his shoes. Shoes are essential. Even once read that covering your feet and head are what keeps you warm. But he can’t find his beanie at the moment, so shoes will have to do.

“Even, we’ll wake up early and go for a walk, but can we _sleep_ first. It’s half past midnight. Jesus, did you take something? Is that why you’re so hyped up?”

“Life is good, Isak, that’s why I’m hyped up. Life is good.”

“Okay”, Isak stutters and pushes himself up to look at Even who’s standing at the end of the bed fully naked. “Please come back to bed now?”

Even complies and joins Isak, adorable Isak, on the bed. He strokes Isak’s hair and his body relaxes a bit, but his mind is still going a million miles an hour. Seeing the calm in Isak’s eyes helps him come down a bit for a couple of seconds but it’s hard to focus on Isak’s words and he is looking at his still plump lips from when they were kissing like the two crazily in love teenagers they are, a couple hours ago.

“In how many universes are Isak and Even lying in bed like this right now?”

“Infinite ones”, Isak whispers and rests his hand on Even’s waist, stroking mindlessly. Even smiles and tries to follow Isak’s breathing. It’s not fair that Isak is forced to deal with such a big part of Even’s life. Such a tragic, tragic element to the story that is Even Bech Næsheim.

He wants to talk to Isak, but he can’t lose Isak. He can’t can’t can’t. So he shuts up and kisses Isak’s lip softly when Isak gives him this look that shows exactly how smitten he is with Even and Even _needs_ someone that loves him exactly like this. So pure. He hates himself for doing this to Isak, for fucking this innocent boy over when he should just _talk_ to him, but it’s not that easy. It’s never that easy when it comes to Even. Everything is a fucking struggle. This moment right here is a fucking struggle for Even to calm his mind down so Isak won’t freak out but he can already see the panic in his boyfriend’s eyes.  

Even can feel himself spiraling out of control and he can’t seem to stop. He wants it to stop, for his mind to settle and to block all these signals he can’t handle all at once. He wants to remember what is important and what is not, but it _all_ seems relevant even when nothing is.

Getting food when he hears Isak’s stomach rumble is what springs to the top of his priority list and he waits until Isak sleeps so that he can surprise him with another sweet burger, but cheaper. Cheap doesn’t have to be bad. It can be so so good.

When Isak finally sleeps Even slips out to get him some food. Isak will be so happy when Even finds him the best burger he can find in the city, even though they’ve had burgers as an early dinner. So Isak definitely likes burgers, which is just great isn’t it, because there’s a McDonalds not too far away from the hotel and Even knows exactly where it is.

Isak doesn’t have to find out that Even is losing his mind and that the world is too big for Even and there’s too many sensations pulling him in and fucking him up. Isak doesn’t have to find out.

But of course Isak finds out.

 

* * *

 

 

**_Lørdag 10.12.17   kl 14.23_ **

His parents are there when he awakens. Neither of them is crying because they’re well past that point. The first few times were the hardest because he’d always wake up to pitying eyes filled with tears and it always made him feel so guilty and awful to see his parents cry because of him. Slowly but surely, with every episode past them, both high and low, the tears disappeared, as did the pitying eyes. He finally wakes up to loving, adoring and caring eyes. It feels so much better.

But it still feels like absolute shit.

“Hey, sweetie.” His mother squeezes his hand which she’s probably been holding ever since he got here. She once told him that holding his hand made her feel stronger, because _he_ is strong. Even doesn’t really remember because his mind is always one big fog the first few days after a manic outburst, but he vaguely remembers snorting in disbelief. And then crying. There’s always a lot of crying from his side, no matter how many times he goes through this. His own tears never stop. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired”, he whispers huskily.

To outsiders it seems like an odd question but it’s sad how Even and his parents have grown used to it now. His mother always, _always_ , asks him how he’s feeling. Every single day. Some days it gets tiring, sometimes it annoys the hell out of Even, and some days, like today, he can’t be bothered to care. He lets her do whatever feels best for her because he’s caused her enough heartache and worries already. If his mother wants to know whether he feels sad, tired, desperate, suicidal or still partially stuck on his manic high, he lets her. Sometimes he tells her the truth, most of the days he lies so she won’t worry more than she already does.

“Your doctor should come by any minute and then we can go home, okay?”

Even nods and shuts his eyes. All he can do is wait for his psychiatrist to stop by so that he can leave this place. He absolutely loathes it here. It’s all so white and impersonal and if he wasn’t already feeling down right now it would easily develop in this setting.  

 “Do you remember what happened?”

“Mom”, Even whines. “Don’t.”

“Okay.”

There are more important questions, like: “Where’s Isak?”

“Isak?”

A knock to the door startles Even and he wakes up from what feels like a deep sleep, even though he only closed his eyes for a minute. Right? What time is it?

“Hey, Even”, his psychiatrist enters the room brightly and smiling as always. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired.” He’s always so tired after.

“Do you remember what happened?”

He looks at his mother and pleads with his eyes to not be angry because he’s about to answer the same question she asked him a couple minutes ago, but not because she asked it. She smiles at him encouragingly. “No. I was brought in with police?”

“You were. Is that the last thing you remember?”

“Yes.”

And then he remembers Isak and the hotel room and the burgers and the champagne. His muscles tense up in shock and in fear. Fuck. Isak. Fucking shit, Isak. Isak! He pushes himself up even though his body feels so heavy and starts getting out of the bed when his mother jumps up from her seat and grabs a hold of his hand, soothing him instantly. “Calm down, honey.”

He feels his doctor’s eyes on him, feels her observing his every move and probably figuring him out without having to hear a word from him. He hates how transparent he is to her. He despises it almost as much as he despises life right now.

So he sinks back on the bed and covers his face with both hands, willing the tears to go away because he’s cried enough already. He hates this part. He hates himself. He hates life too. Why does he have to live and hurt everyone around him by existing?

Fucking why? Why can’t he just _live?_

“Do you know what time it was?”

He shakes his head then angrily wipes the tears off his face. “Can I go home?”

“You can. Just one more question, okay? Is that okay?” Even nods. Whatever gets him out of here the fastest. “Do you remember when the last time you took your medication was?”

He opens his mouth to tell her he took them yesterday, but that would be a lie. His entire mind is one big messy chaos of thoughts and emotions right now but he doesn’t remember taking pills. He hates taking them so he would probably remember it since he remembers all the other things he hates.

He can’t remember. “No.”

She doesn’t judge him. But she does get his blood drawn to check the lithium levels in his blood and gently tells him to please take his medication. She doesn’t tell him how important it is because he’s been dealing with this for three years now so he knows. He’s not stupid. Dumb enough to stop taking his medication though, but not _stupid._

“Did you stop taking all of your medication or just the Lithium?”

It shouldn’t be this hard to remember but it is. “All of them I think? I think they ran out.”

“Okay, that’s good.”

Only a psychiatrist could say something crazy like that. But when she tells him how quitting his lithium but not his anti-depressants can be the cause of a manic episode, it doesn’t sound so crazy at all.

“I’ll give you a new prescription for your Wellbutrin and Lithium.”

“Thanks”, he mumbles. He shouldn’t thank someone for drugging them up, but he guesses he needs it. Maybe if he takes his medication he’ll become stable and stable is what he needs to be to maybe deserve one more minute with Isak so he can explain.

God how he hopes he gets to say sorry for scaring him to Isak.

“And then I want to see you again in one week to check the Lithium levels. We’ll probably have to start all over, but we’ll cross that bridge when we reach it, okay?” Even nods. He knows the routine. Check-up every week, then every two weeks, then every month and so on and so on. It never fucking stops.

 

* * *

 

 

**_Tirsday 13.12.17    kl. 18.23_ **

A soft jostle wakes him up and he opens his eyes to see his mother sitting on the side of his bed looking at him with soft eyes. “Hey, sweetie. Dinner is ready.”

“Not hungry.”

“You have to, Even. You need to take your medication.”

Even hates when her voice sounds like this. He hates himself for making her talk with so much pain hidden underneath each word. Or is he imagining things again? He doesn’t know. “I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?”

“Hurting you and papa. I’m sorry.”

“You’re not hurting us, Even.” Even sighs. “You’re not. We are hurt because you’re hurting, but you don’t hurt us, okay?”

“You always say that.” But he never believes them. He can’t believe them. He hates himself so much so how is it possible that they don’t even hate him a tiny bit? How can they not wish for a son that isn’t fucked up in the head?

“Do I ever lie to you?”

Even looks up at that. “I –” Shit. She knows how to play him so well after all these years of them following family therapy to learn how to talk to Even when he’s going through a high or a low. She always twists his word so that he’d realize just how wrong he is. “No?”

She smiles gently. “No, I don’t. I love you. Your dad does, too. We love you so much it hurts us when you’re not feeling well. But nothing is your fault, don’t you ever forget that.”

“Everything is my fault. I’m the one doing all this stupid shit all the fucking time. It’s _me._ ”

“None of that is you.”

“Me being bipolar is _me,_ mom.”

“It’s a _part_ of you. You’re not always sick, just sometimes. The way I see it, it’s like us sometimes getting the flu and being sick for a couple of days or weeks but then it passes again. It’s the same with you and the highs and the lows.”

Even mulls that over for a moment as his mother caresses his face and pushes his hair behind his ears. “Can I ask you something”, she breaks the silence after a mere few minutes.

Even stays quiet and closes his eyes and waits for her to continue. When she doesn’t, he mumbles approvingly.

“Who’s Isak?”

Even’s blood goes cold and every single muscle in his body stiffens up hearing those words. “He’s nobody”, he breathes in pain. He doesn’t want to talk about Isak, because talking leads to thinking and he doesn’t want to be thinking about how he must’ve scared Isak so badly that it ends up with him crying in the end. He doesn’t want to cry again. It breaks his heart knowing he’s the reason for Isak’s pain. He likes him so fucking much, even _loves_ him already.

_“Life is good, Isak, that’s why I’m hyped up. Life is good.”_

Shit.

_“Even. Have you slept at all?”_

Fuck.

_“Life’s too good to be asleep, Isak.”_

Tears well up in Even’s eyes and he looks at his mother desperately. “Please.”

“He must be really important to you if you can remember him right after.” Right after a manic episode, she means. Right after waking up with his entire head in one big fucked up fog where nothing comes through and nothing makes sense. It’s like waking up after being drugged into unconsciousness like all those videos on YouTube with a million views from people after having their wisdom teeth pulled out and still high on the drugs.

But then ~~less funny~~ not funny at all.

It’s not a laughing matter.

“He is”, Even breathes. He’s not getting out of this one, he knows, and somehow he doesn’t want to. It feels so so bad to think about Isak but it feels so good _finally_ talking about him to his mother _._ He’s been wanting to tell her ever since he first saw Isak but there was still Sonja and that would have confused his mother. “He’s my boyfriend. But he probably hates me now.”

“Why do you think that?”

Even sighs, opens his mouth but swallows his initial words, instead answering with: “He doesn’t know anything.”

“He doesn’t know you’re bipolar?”

“He does, he just… we’ve never talked about it more.”  

“You can talk to him, honey.”

“He was there. At the hotel. I was at the hotel with Isak, mama.”

For a long while she stays quiet and stares at Even who’s avoiding her gaze as if his life depends on it. It sucks because he hadn’t even told his parents he broke up with Sonja yet.  

“If he likes you as much as you seem to like him, he’ll listen to you, sweetie.”

“I hope so.”

“Do you think we’ll get to meet him?”

He’s not sure but he sure hopes so, he tells her, because he fucked up real bad. “Wouldn’t blame him if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.”

“Maybe you could call him?”

He immediately qualifies that as a stupid idea. He can’t just call Isak out of nowhere after what happened. He can’t just pick up his phone and expect Isak to answer his call and forgive him or even listen to him to start with. That’s just crazy. Almost as crazy as Even.  “No.”

“Why not?”

“Just no, mom. I can’t.”

She kisses his forehead and smiles at him like only a mother can smile at her child. “I love you, you know that?”

He grabs her hand and kisses it. “I love you, too.” She kisses his scalp again. “Thank you”, he adds as an afterthought, barely audible.

But she hears him. She always hears him, even when he’s not saying anything at all. Which is why she doesn’t ask about Sonja.


	2. Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even POV!

**_Freday 16.12.17    kl 18.42_ **

Even sleeps day in day out. When he’s awake he stares at the ceiling or the walls and sometimes cries for the weeks he’s lost to this fucking illness _again._ He cries for the amazing friendship slash beginning relationship he’s ruined with Isak without even wanting to. Without neither of them deserving to.

He’s not a bad person. He speaks with two words, he helps people whenever he can, he’s always ready to be a shoulder to cry on, he helps his parents out in the household whenever he can, yet this illness still chose him to fuck with. It’s not fucking fair but throwing a fit over it unfortunately won’t solve shit. Medication (hopefully) will, so he dutifully takes them whenever his parents tell him to while they force feed him and he goes to the hospital to have his blood checked weekly as expected of him. One time the Lithium levels in his blood were too high so he had to stay the night at the hospital just to make sure he’s okay.

His mother tells him that Sonja sometimes comes by when he’s sleeping but she never wakes him because she doesn’t know what to say if he were to be awake. So she just leaves every time and lets Even deal with things on his own pace.

The next time she comes by however, he is awake and staring at his hands when she silently enters the room with a box in her hand.

“Hi.” She looks so small standing in his doorway sounding so unsure about this entire situation.

“Hey”, he says back but stays quiet after because what the fuck does he say? Sorry for breaking your heart? Sorry for cheating on you? Sorry it felt good at the time?

“You feeling a bit better already?”

He shrugs. Sonja knows how this goes. He doesn’t know how he feels. Better, worse, the same – disappointed, sad, tired… he doesn’t have a fucking clue most of the times. It’s one big combination and it shifts every couple of seconds when he’s awake. _When_ he’s awake, because even after twelve days he stills spends his days sleeping them away.

“I uh – I saw Isak.” His heart skips a beat and he actually stops breathing for a moment. “The night of your – yeah. I’m sorry, Even.”

He’s too stunned to answer. “I told him some things. Some stupid things. I shouldn’t have. I’m so sorry if it’s because of me that you guys haven’t –”

“Sonja”, Even interrupts her quietly. “It’s okay. Probably best anyway.”

She contemplates her answer for a moment, mulls it over in her head. “You always do this. You always say shit like that. You’re not a burden, Even.”

Even is taken aback by hearing Sonja curse. Sonja _never_ curses and always hated it when Even did.

She steps closer until she can sit down on his bed so at least she’s not towering over him, which he highly appreciates. “I’ve been thinking these past couple days. Why you would do this, why you would hurt me like this. I was sure that everything that happened was your mania, and not _you._ ”

Even never knew she could see the difference between those two.

“But that’s not it. You never wanted to hurt me and it wasn’t your mania that did all this. _You_ did. I realize that now.” Auwtch. “It’s not a bad thing, Even. I know that now, even though it took me some days to accept the idea. You can’t help who you fall in love with”, she smiles sadly. “I can’t help but being in love with you. You can’t help falling in love with Isak.”

Even tears up at seeing Sonja crying silent tears in front of him. He takes a hold of her hand and squeezes it. “I’m sorry”, he whispers. She shrugs. “I am, Sonja. I never wanted this to –”

“I know”, she interrupts him. “I said some stupid things to Isak that first night, but I talked to him again and explained why I did. He knows now, Even.”

Even’s heart stops. “What?”

“You need to talk to him.”

Even shoots up in his bed, eyes wide open. “What did you _tell_ him?”

Sonja looks down in shame. “That you’re bipolar. That if he can’t deal with you being Bipolar that maybe he shouldn’t be with you.” Even lets go of her hand. “I shouldn’t have.”

Even stands up and starts sauntering the room. “No, you shouldn’t have.”

“I waited for him at your school and talked to him. I apologized and told him to talk to you about it, that I was wrong.”

“When?”

Even feels as if he’s going to jump out of his own skin at any moment. He’s jittery and nervous and his palms are clammy. He’s barely able to keep the tears at bay when Sonja tells him she talked to Isak four days ago. He loses all hope of Isak ever forgiving him and lets go of the tears. He can’t stop them. It hurts too much.

“That boy is crazy about you, Even. Just _talk_ to him.”

Even doesn’t answer. Sonja waits until he’s all cried out and crawls back to bed and falls asleep without another word and soft sniffles killing the silence every now and then. She only allows her tears to fall once she’s left the apartment building.

 

* * *

 

**_Søndag 18.12.17   kl 05.36_ **

 

 

 

Even deletes the words before they start making sense to him. He can’t talk to Isak, let alone tell him about his illness and what happened as a result of that. He doesn’t know _how_ he could ever tell Isak so that he’d understand, so he chooses to not explain. Not unless Isak asks, but Even’s lost all hope for that to happen.

Sonja talked to Isak six days ago yet he has heard nothing from the younger boy. Silence speaks louder than words. Silence also really fucking hurts. But Even can’t honestly blame Isak. He probably wouldn’t bother trying to figure out what happened to the dude that walked out of a hotel room fully naked after having had sex for the first time.

Isak saw Even during a manic episode which, apart from the extreme low that follows after, is Even at his weakest. This episode wasn’t the worst he’s had by far, but it was still severe enough to freak the fuck out of a 17-year old high schooler like Isak and scare him away forever.

Even’s illness ruins every form of social life he tries to build up and whenever things are going good they switch to _too good_ so quickly that he can’t possibly stop it anymore. It always leaves him and the people around them helpless.

Isak has no idea what was happening to Even but he surely saw everything spin out of control and had no clue what to do to help Even. Even can’t be mad at him because by the time Isak realized Even probably needed help, things had run out of control and it was too already anyway. All that was possible at that point was damage control but Even doesn’t expect Isak to do that for him. He was already flying way too high for anyone to drag him down from his immense high. And Isak _had_ tried, he’d tried to get Even to go back to bed and sleep, tried to soothe him but to no avail. Even went right back to flying and forgot about the world around him the moment Isak fell back asleep.

He never thought he could ever forget about Isak but at that moment he did. Isak had been hogging his mind 24/7 for months and the moment he needed to remember Isak the most; he couldn’t.

That’s why he hates himself and Isak should too. Even let Isak down. He will keep letting Isak down in the future.

He can’t force Isak to deal with the depression on top of everything else Isak had to witness. He’s seventeen for fuck’s sake, he’s still so young and innocent and all Even would do is ruin him.

If he hasn’t already.

It makes him want to pull his hair and punch himself. Instead he asks his mother for an Ambien and sleeps.

 

* * *

 

 

_Isak is struggling with his backpack when it’s taken out of his hands and a small box is placed in them instead. Of course it’s Even standing in front of him, holding Isak’s now closed bag in his right hand, while still holding onto the box with –_

_“What’s that?”_

_“Cookies. Mom made them.”_

_“Your mom made me cookies?”_

_“My mom made_ us _cookies, don’t be selfish, Isak.”_

_Isak smirks, grabs the cookies and locks them in his locker. “Five kisses for one cookie.”_

_“Deal”, Even smirks and immediately presses five feather light kisses against his favorite pair of lips, dragging the last one out a tiny bit maybe. “Now what if Magnus wants a cookie?”_

_Isak’s eyebrows shoot up so high Even can’t help but laugh._

_“Don’t worry, babe, trick question. I said mom made them for_ us, _and no matter how much Magnus sometimes wishes he was us, he’s not.”_

_“Sucks for him”, Isak says, taking a bite of one of the cookies before handing it to Even, “especially now. Damn, those are so good I might actually have to double my price.”_

_“Ten kisses for one cookie?”_

_Isak nods and takes another bite. “Mhm.”_

_Even happily gives Isak double what they originally agreed upon. When he’s sitting in his class an hour later he wonders why he ‘paid’ Isak for something he had as much right to as Isak. When he asks Isak through iMessage all he gets is a red heart. Even’s okay with that answer, honestly._

 

_***_

 

_“I’ll be late for class.”_

_“You’ve got perfect grades.”_

_“That won’t make the bell ring any later, though.”_

_“But it will cut you some slack. You’re not even close to your ten percent.”_

_“And I don’t_ want _to be either.”_

 _“You wound me, Isak. It’s like you don’t_ want _to spend time with me.”_

_Isak’s eyes almost roll to the back of his head. “You’re such a drama queen, Even.”_

_***_

 

_It’s not that Even ever thought about it, he’d just assumed that since Isak was still so young, he hadn’t come out to people yet. That he wouldn’t be comfortable with public affection and all of that. Yet here he is with Isak leaning up against him in the middle of the schoolyard with his lips against his for a second. Right there with all of Isak’s best friends looking at them._

_Even blushes._

_Even never fucking blushes except now he does apparently._

_“Hi”, Isak winks. The fucker knows what he’s done and what it’s done to Even._

_“I think you broke him”, Jonas laughs and punches Even’s shoulder, then bumps Isak’s fist and leaves for class._

 

_***_

 

_“Hey boys”, Even says when he joins Isak and his boy squad, as he likes to call them. “What’s up?”_

_“Hi”, Isak smiles (disgustingly, if you ask Magnus, Jonas and Mahdi) and hugs into his side. “Missed you.”_

_“You two are too much”, Magnus sighs, “Maybe I should be gay too.”_

_Even would comment on how ignorant that comment is, but he’s a bit too busy kissing Isak’s lips. Priorities, he knows them._

 

_***_

 

_Even is comfortable on Isak’s bed, his fingers running through the younger boy’s soft blond curls. “That thing you did today at school.”_

_Isak opens his eyes just to close them again while laughing. “That sounds very ominous.”_

_Even’s hand stills in Isak’s hair. “We just never talked about public affection and coming out and maybe we should have.”_

_At that Isak pushes himself up and turns to Even. “Did I do something wrong? Should I not have kissed you?”_

_Even doesn’t know what to say for a moment. “Of course not. Isak”, Isak pulls back instantly. “Shit, that sounded wrong. I meant I wanted to show everyone that you’re mine the day I saw you, you didn’t do something wrong when you kissed me.”_

_“But I wasn’t –”_

_“I know. I’m just saying – I was never in the closet. I honestly don’t care.”_

_“Then why…?”_

_“If I had known how comfortable you are with public display of affection, I would have just kissed you instead of stalking you at Kosegruppa.”_

_“That’s creepy, though”, Isak smirks._

_“What you mean to say is that it’s really truly romantic.”_

_“There’s nothing romantic about exiting a toilet stall to have a boy you’ve never talked to kiss you out of nowhere.”_

_Even smiles. “Well when you put it like that.”_

_“How the fuck else can you put it?”_

_Sometimes Isak’s boyfriend is the worst._

_\--_

_Even turns into mush when he looks over at Isak across the room and he’s laughing at something Magnus just said or did. He zones out of the conversation he was having with Vilde and smiles when Isak’s eyes find his._

_Even’s never felt like this before._

 

* * *

 

**_Tirsdag 20.12.17   kl 23.51_ **

Even can’t do this to Isak. He just can’t. Isak’s too innocent, way too young to deal with something Even can’t even deal with most days himself. And he has two years on Isak and four years of time to accept that this is indeed happening

Besides, it's been a little over a week since Sonja talked to Isak and that is all Even needs to know. Isak knows now, so it's up to him now. Even won't force himself onto Isak. Not again.

No matter how much he wants to.  

 

* * *

 

**_Onsdag 21.12.17    kl. 13.11_ **

He hears a shuffle and rolls his eyes. “Mom, I told you I don't want to watch a movie, not even when we watch it right here.” She never gives up, damn.

“Even.” He turns around without questioning the desperation and glee in her voice. “There's someone here to see you.”

He knows who before he asks but he asks anyway.

“Isak.”

He can't believe it. No. No fucking way. This isn't happening. Life hates him too much for this to be happening. “That's not funny.”

He can't believe it. But he knows his mother would never lie about something so serious, especially after that conversation they had after Sonja had left two weeks ago. The conversation where he laid his heart bare and told her everything, even the part where he and Isak had sex and he wonders if it was him or his mania wanting Isak so much all the damn time.

His mother reassured him that it was normal, and she wanted to continue with something that started with _when your father and I met all those years ago…_ and that was more than Even could handle so he gently asked her to either shut up right then and there or leave his room. For the sake of Even, she laughed and continued the conversation without any more inappropriate details.

It had meant the world to Even.

“I know. That's why it's not a joke. Can I let him through?”

“Yes”, Even whispers.

“Okay”, she smiles. She knows.


	3. Isak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Even, we’ll wake up early and go for a walk, but can we sleep first? It’s half past midnight. Jesus, did you take something? Is that why you’re so hyped up?”  
> “Life is good, Isak, that’s why I’m hyped up. Life is good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Isak POV!

**_Fredag 9.12.17   kl. 15.22_ **

This entire day has been surreal. First of all, Isak still can’t believe Even is his. Like, actually his to kiss as much as he wants to and his to snuggle with at night when they’re locked away inside Isak’s room. Second of all, he finally found the courage to text his mother about Even and he doesn’t allow himself to panic about it. He tells himself everything will be fine and she will be as accepting as he hopes she will be. He also hopes that she will answer his text within this first minute telling him it’s alright and she loves him anyway, that she wants him to be happy and can’t wait to meet his boyfriend.

That would be the ideal world. Unfortunately, he still lives on planet earth and not in one of his alternative (utopia) universes he likes to dream about every so often, so his mother doesn’t text him back immediately and Even is standing in front of the window he’s seated at soon after. He’s casting Isak the cutest smile and purses his lips pretending he’s kissing Isak hello, making Isak blush and leave his seat to meet Even outside, accepting the small kiss hello Even presses against his lips. 

Well that’s a first.

Even’s never tried kissing Isak in public or anything relatively close to it. He watches the way Even’s observing him with an intense yet soft stare. He feels his cheeks heat up and distracts Even from noticing by saying “Want to go get some kebab?”

Even smiles widely and wobbles on his heels. “No.”

“Pizza?”

“No.”

“Uhm, okay. What do you want to do then?”

“I –” Even grabs Isak’s hand and kisses it. Right there, in public, and it’s not that Isak really minds but they’ve been together – not even official – for a month and they have yet to talk about things like public affection. “booked us a room at the Radisson.”

“What?” Isak feels stupid when Even cracks up.

“I want to spoil you and if I can get spoilt at the same time and get to spend that time with you then there’s seriously only positives to this amazing idea of mine.”

“What’s wrong with _my_ room?” You know. A _free_ one. Sure, there’s no room service and the sheets aren’t as nice and neither is his mattress and pathetic excuse of a bed (seriously, it’s just the mattress on the floor really) but it’s perfectly fine to hook up with Even in. Is it still called hooking up when it concerns your boyfriend?

“Well, there’s no room service. And then there’s Eskild, and Noora, and Linn. And oh, _Eskild._ ”

“You _know_ I told him off for barging into my room like that.”

Even roars with laughter and Isak smiles.

The memory of Eskild walking into Isak’s room at ten in the morning one day is still fresh in his mind. When asked later, Eskild said that it was Saturday and everyone was out and Eskild wasn’t used to being up so early so he was bored out of his damn mind and _in his defense_ he hadn’t known Even was staying over (even though Isak remembered clearly stating that Even was staying for the weekend).

It’s not that much was happening when he barged in, except for Isak lying on top of Even kissing his neck in what hopefully would turn out to be a blissful ending for the both of them. It’s just that Eskild didn’t apologize and leave. No, he’d just closed the door and dropped himself on Isak’s mattress and started talking about this one guy he met on Grindr, until Isak looked at Even in pain and desperation, sighed and rolled off of his boyfriend, the mood more than ruined for the rest of the day.

Isak’s dragged out of the clear memories by Even’s “Let’s go get some people spoil us, baby. It’s our twenty-five days anniversary!”

Isak laughs awkwardly. “What?”

“What?” Even fires back immediately.

“Twenty-five days anniversary. _Really_?”

Isak smirks when Even looks at him indignantly. “It’s true! Twenty five days ago we had our first real kiss, my dear Isak. Now let’s go!” Even doesn’t give Isak time to protest or continue this weird ass conversation they were having. Who the fuck would think of celebrating being together for twenty five odd fucking days? “I heard they have this amazing spa and they do couples massages!”

Isak’s always wondered what the difference is between couples massages and regular massages but since he feels out of place enough as it is already; he doesn’t ask Even. Instead he enjoys the heavy and warm feel of Even’s hand locked with his and the loving gaze that’s thrown his way every now and then. It doesn’t stop when they reach the hotel, on the contrary. Even happily and enthusiastically introduces Isak as his boyfriend and continues complimenting Isak right in front of the hotel receptionist. She smiles at them sweetly and Isak can’t help but blush because who wouldn’t love to be in Even’s lime light?

It makes him feel loved and oh so special. Later, when Isak tells him that, cheeks covered in red shame, Even will say that Isak _is_ special and loved. It marks the first _I love you_ of their relationship (kind of), right there on their twenty-five-day-versary. He doesn’t think he’ll ever forget.

“Here’s your key card. Your room is number 1504 on the 15th floor. Have a nice stay, and let us know if you need anything.”

“Thank you so much”, Even smiles charmingly and grabs Isak’s hand to turn to the elevators. “This is a lovely hotel, isn’t it?”

Yes. It’s more than just lovely. It’s way too much. Isak wants to ask how in the hell Even is able to afford this but they haven’t even spoken about PDA let alone about financial statuses. “Yes.”

Then Even kisses Isak again while waiting for the elevator to reach the ground floor, kisses him again when the doors close and they’re in alone, kisses him after hugging him and then kisses him one more time before the doors open on their floor and he just forgets about everything he’s ever thought of asking Even.

But really, who cares? What matters is right here and right now and Isak’s going to enjoy spending this time alone with his boyfriend (it’s still weird to realize he has an actual _boyfriend_ ).

And he would never admit it to Even if he asked but he kind of enjoys the couples massage.

* * *

 

**_Lørdag 10.12.17   kl. 00.28_ **

If there’s one thing Isak hates with a passion, it’s being woken up without a reason.

Okay, fine, he hates being woken up period, even with good reason. He’s a seventeen year old with a chronic lack of sleep and he needs every minute he can get in between parties and stress and school and tests and exams and school work and lately… Even.

So he doesn’t get why the fuck the latter is jostling him awake at the ungodly hour of… fuck, what time is it anyway? It looks dark outside so it can’t be morning yet. He misses the beginning of Even’s entire stream of words. He doesn’t seem to be breathing in between everything he’s mumbling about holidays and Christmas and wanting to show Isak this super pretty place. He _wants_ to ask, but then Even is gone again and maybe Isak is just dreaming because this can’t be happening in real life, it’s too damn weird, even for them. He goes back to sleep and wakes up to a loud bang of something hitting the floor that’s absolutely not _meant_ to hit it.

“Even?”

Nothing.

“Even? What the fuck did you drop?”

Still nothing. Then Even walks into the room with big, hurried steps.

“Even, have you slept at all?”

He lifts his head and pushes himself up on his elbows and sees the light is on in the bathroom and Even is doing god knows what. He grabs his phone and peers at it, the light hurting his sleepy eyes.

“Life’s too good to be asleep, Isak.”

What? Sure, Isak’s barely awake but that doesn’t make sense at all does it? Does it?

“Even. It’s half past midnight.”

Again, nothing. Okay, other approach.

“Even, we’ll wake up early and go for a walk, but can we _sleep_ first? It’s half past midnight. Jesus, did you take something? Is that why you’re so hyped up?”

“Life is good, Isak, that’s why I’m hyped up. Life is good.”

And that’s when it all hits Isak. He was hoping he’d get Even back to bed before waking up fully so they could both sleep, but the realization that this is it, _this is it_ , hits Isak so hard that he’s awake in less than a second.

This is Even being sick.   

This is what every website told him about when he googled Bipolar Disorder. Every single website he visited, from Wikipedia to the most scientific ones, they all told him the same thing:

_“People with bipolar disorder experience periods of unusually intense emotion, changes in sleep patterns and activity levels, and unusual behaviors.”_

And

_“The elevated mood is significant and is known as mania or hypomania”_

And

_“During mania, an individual behaves or feels abnormally energetic, happy, or irritable. Individuals often make poorly thought out decisions with little regard to the consequences. The need for sleep is usually reduced during manic phases.”_

For a long while Isak just sits there and stares at Even in shock, unknown what he should do best to help Even in this situation. He curses silently and follows Even’s frantic moves throughout the room. He somehow asks him what he’s looking for but Even only enters the bathroom again and comes out five seconds later without answering Isak’s question.

In all other circumstances Isak would be enjoying the view of a naked Even running around the room. In any other given situation it would be hilarious and he’d taunt Even with it for probably forever. However, his heart is beating ten times faster than is probably healthy and breathing comes in small gasps.

“Even, baby?”

Nothing.

“Even?”

Shit. Fucking shit what does he do?

“Please come back to bed now?”

It seems to get through to Even because he stops in his steps and just stares at Isak with adoration basically written on his face. Then before he knows what’s happening he jumps on the bed and has hauled Isak down with him to a lying position, face close to his. As they often do, Even’s hands find their way to Isak’s hair and start stroking it so softly it lulls Isak to sleep most of the times. Now is not one of those though. He licks his lips and stares at his boyfriend who looks like his mind is a turmoil of thoughts and emotions.

“In how many universes are Isak and Even lying in bed like this right now?”

He doesn’t even have to think about it. Honestly, Even and Isak lying on a bed together like this, no matter the pressing problem in the background, is perfect in every universe and it’s where they should be. It’s what they should be doing right now, that’s how right this feels no matter how wrong it currently is.

“Infinite ones”, he whispers and places his hand on the side of Even’s face to try and calm him down, try to catch some of those haunting thoughts and throw them out.

“What’s going through your head, baby?”

But Even’s gone. Not physically. He’s still right there in Isak’s arms, his hand still soothingly stroking the younger boy’s curly hair, but he’s somewhere else entirely. Isak can see his eyes, they’re so far gone and he can’t reach Even.

He knows about mania and he knows about depression and he knows that mania can be caused by unbalanced medication (he even knows which medication thanks to Google) or not taking medication at all. He knows that manic episodes are often followed by depression and that people tend to sleep a lot during those days and sometimes even weeks before they start getting out of it and start being able to function again. He knows that bipolar disorders can be caused by many different things and that research doesn’t have one definite answer just yet but that it might have something to do with brain structure or genetics and family history. He’s basically a walking Wikipedia page when it comes to Bipolar Disorder ever since Even told him.

Yet somehow he has no fucking clue about what to do right now to _help_ his currently manic boyfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! Let me know what you think. Comments make me happy!


	4. Isak

**_Lørdag 10.12.17   kl. 1.08_ **

He’s a shitty boyfriend. Yes, he admits it. It’s not a lack of caring and definitely no lack of _trying_ but he somehow just sucks at knowing what to do in crucial situations like this. All the should-have-could-haves fill up his mind and they’re driving him batshit insane.

He should have stayed up with Even. He should have made sure he was fine. He should have tried to  calm him down. He should have asked Even what he could do since he knows best. He should have tried to lull Even to sleep even if it was only for ten minutes, so he could have Googled how to help people during a manic episode.

He should have done _something._

But he fell asleep. 

So yes, he’ll admit to being a shitty boyfriend.

He woke up to more bustling and hard footsteps through the room. Even. Then next thing his tired fogged up head catches on is Even’s naked behind leaving the room. He just sits there, staring at the door dumbly before realizing what just happened and shoots out of the bed with the comforter around him, rushing to the door. “Even?”

Even’s nowhere to be seen in the hotel hallway.

_Shit._

He turns back, looking for clothes that are spread all over the room. They didn’t really care where they went, let’s just put it that way. He just grabs whatever he finds first. Pants, socks, shirt, sweater, hoodie, shoes. He doesn’t bother looking if they’re his or Even’s. He just wants to go find him before he can go too far.

He grabs the remainder of the clothes he can find within twenty seconds and just _runs._ He _runs, runs, runs,_ no patience for the elevator so he sprints down the fifteen flights of stairs, tripping over his own feet here and there, almost sending him down faster than he’d wish for on multiple occasions.

And when he’s outside, he has no idea where to start looking. Even left with no clue as to where he went or where to find him. The only thing Isak can think of right now in between trying to control his panicking breath is the place Even wanted to show him earlier. He has no clue where or what it is though, so that’s a dead end.

He should have asked what Even wanted to show him.

He wanders around Oslo with frantic eyes looking all over the place, trying to spot his tall _naked_ boyfriend but when he hasn’t seen or heard anything from Even for ten minutes, he calls Sonja instead. He silently apologizes for the late night (or early morning, however you wanna think of it) call she’s about to receive.

She doesn’t pick up the first time, so he redials the number and tries again. When she doesn’t pick up again, he shouts. He lets go of all of his built up frustration and desperation and _fear_ of not knowing what to do or where to go or who to call. Does he call the hospital? His parents? The police? A doctor? Who’s Even’s doctor anyway?

See, he should know these things. As a boyfriend, he should, right?

When his phone rings and it’s Sonja, he picks up before the first ring is done.

“Sonja!”

“Hey, Isak?” She sounds tired and confused yet alert.

“Even. He’s… I don’t know where he is.”

“Where are you?”

He can hear things ruffling at the other side of the line. She’s probably putting on clothes. “I don’t know. We were in the hotel and he wasn’t sleeping and then he was suddenly gone. He’s _naked._ ”

Sonja sighs. “Keep looking for him and walk towards the hotel you were in, I’ll meet you there. I’ll call the police and his parents.”

Isak should do that. He should have thought about that. “Okay.”

“What’s the hotel?”

“Radisson Blu Plaza.”

She sighs again. “Should’ve known.”

Isak doesn’t ask what she means by that. He doesn’t even think about the words twice whereas he normally would overthink it and make himself go absolutely nuts with what she means by saying that in that type of voice.

“Okay, I’ll see you there then.”

Before Isak can answer she hangs up on him. It takes him a couple minutes to figure out where he is and eventually has to use Google Maps to find his way back to the hotel. Maybe Even will go back there, too. He keeps repeating that sentence during the seventeen minutes it takes him to walk back to the hotel and then keeps repeating it until a taxi stops in front of him and Sonja gets out.

She’s on the phone.

Please let her be talking to Even, who’s safe, please.

“Okay, thank you.” She hangs up. Not Even then.

_Fucking shit._

“The police found him. He’s okay, for now. His parents are with him at the hospital.”

“Hospital?”

Isak looks up at the sky and blinks away the tears welling up in his eyes before looking back at Sonja. “Police brings him there. He’s not meant to be in a police cell.”

Okay. Isak wants to ask what hospital and how far away it is, if he can walk there, would Even’s parents let him see him? He hasn’t even met Even’s parents. What a great first meeting that would be.

“This is what it’s like to be with Even, Isak.” Isak blinks. “It’s fucked up at times. It’s not easy and fun and hearts and rainbows all the time.”

Isak clenches his jaws. He never claimed it was did he? Fuck her.

“He’s _sick_.” But not always, Isak wants to tell her. “He’s bipolar, and if you don’t know how to deal with that, then maybe you shouldn’t be with him in the first place.”

Every emotion hits him all at once. The anger towards Sonja for blaming Isak, the desperation of not finding Even still in his body even though he knows he’s somewhere safe and with his parents, the blame he puts on himself for not dealing with this well enough, the sadness, the fear, the helplessness and the heartache.

Sonja’s gone when he sees through his tears again. He’s left on his own with nowhere to be and no one to go back to. For endless minutes he just stands there until a doorman approaches him and ushers him back into the hotel. They probably recognized Isak as the boy frantically running after the other boy who ran out naked.

Standing in front of a hotel crying at half past two at night is a sure sign that it didn’t end well.

He leaves the hotel at four thirty after having called Eskild to please pick him and pay for the hotel room for now until he can ask his dad to transfer the 4395 Kroner.

He doesn’t sleep. Eskild stays with him all night and for once Isak doesn’t fight the comfort he’s given from his roommate.

* * *

  **_Lørdag 10.12.17   kl. 17.54_ **

There are a lot of websites about how to deal with bipolar teens, so why didn’t Isak check any of those out when he found out Even was bipolar instead of now that it’s too late. The damage is done and Isak can’t change anything about what happened anymore.

_Bipolar Disorder in Children and Teens_

_Teens and Bipolar Disorder: Signs and Symptoms in Teenagers_

_Bipolar Adolescent: Parenting Tips and Information about Treatment_

_Understanding & Supporting a Bipolar Teenager_

_Helping a Loved One with Bipolar Disorder: Helping Someone Close …_

The list goes on and on and on. Isak opens random websites and reads everything he can find about how to deal with someone when they’re experiencing a manic or a depressed episode. Then he just starts reading everything because he wants to _understand_ Even. He wants to know what he’s talking about the next time he sees his boyfriend and he doesn’t want to make the same mistake twice.

He’s slept for a couple hours only so his eyes are itchy and stinging and the screen is a bit blurry sometimes if he doesn’t blink his eyes every two to three seconds but it’s okay.

_“There is a huge difference between typical teenage behavior and behavior that is symptomatic of bipolar disorder. A bipolar teenager will display both, and it may be difficult at first for parents to tell the difference. As a rule, it is usually a matter of extremes.”_

Isak thinks back on the past couple of hours and days and eventually even weeks to try and figure out when Even started becoming manic. He can’t figure it out but there’s probably no way of pinpointing the moment anyway so he stops wracking his brain over it. Instead he reads on.

_“A more appropriate response might be, ‘I hear you and I know you’re depressed. You have bipolar disorder and this is normal. I’ve seen you like this before. Let’s do X, which we know helps you when you are feeling this way’. This response addresses the real issue and leads to great progress in communicating with your child and managing the illness successfully._

He opens the next website on how to help a loved one with bipolar disorder.

  * Learn about bipolar disorder
  * Encourage the person to get help
  * Be understanding
  * Be patient



Isak can do that surely. All of those.

  * Accept your loved one’s limits
  * Accept your own limits (Isak really doesn’t think he has any limits when it comes to Even)
  * Reduce stress (haha)
  * Communicate openly



And that’s where it all went wrong. They talked about Even being bipolar but they never _talked_ about it. Isak knew at least. He can’t imagine how he’d have felt if he hadn’t even known what was going on. At least he didn’t have to deal with the shame of Sonja laughing in his face because he didn’t know shit about Even and she was still supposed to be together with him. At least now she only hurt him by pointing out something Isak’s been thinking about before anyway.

He keeps browsing the internet and reads every page almost from the first until the very last word. But then he comes onto a website stating all the things bipolar people need help with and he quickly closes that one because Even can take care of himself and Isak is not planning on acting like his own personal caretaker. He’s his boyfriend and that’s that. He trusts Even to tell him what he needs help with.

When he’s read all the pages on the first page of google, he tries googling something else. 

The second suggested page takes Isak’s breath away.

_Bipolar Disorder and Relationships: When to Say Goodbye_

He can barely keep himself from throwing his laptop to the other side of the room.

* * *

  ** _Mandag 12.12.17   kl. 08.04_**

His friends are deep in an animated conversation when Isak joins them in front of the school. Three voices welcome him enthusiastically.

“So how was Friday?” Magnus’s eyebrows wiggle enthusiastically.

Isak looks down at the ground, hands in his pockets and shakes his head. No one has to see that he needs those couple of seconds to blink away tears. The silence falls over the group so awkwardly. Isak thinks that their animated conversation might have been about him and everything he’d been up to with Even after the latter had stolen Isak away from his friends on Friday after school telling them they had more important places to be and things to do.

“So what did you guys do?” Magnus continues, oblivious to the awkwardness apparently. When Isak thinks the tears won’t show anymore, he gazes back up at his friend and shrugs.

“We uh…” He has to clear his throat. “We went to a hotel.”

Magnus laughs and punches Isak’s shoulder. “You go bro!”

Jonas can figure out Isak at any given time. It’s what he’s doing in silence right now, so Isak doesn’t look his way because once Jonas sees Isak’s tired and saddened eyes he’ll definitely figure it out.

Mahdi is just silent and looking back and forth from Jonas to Isak and back to Jonas, then ushering Magnus to shut up for a moment.

None of them say another word for a good minute and Isak sighs. “I’ll go get my books. See you later, guys.”

He can still hear Mahdi’s faint “Do you know what happened?” and Jonas’s silent “no” before quickening his step and entering the building of pure torture. 

* * *

  **_Mandag 12.12.17   kl. 12.06_ **

Isak’s the first of their group to enter the canteen at lunch time. He just grabs a table in their usual corner and takes out his phone to play his favorite game, stomach too much in a twist to even _think_ about food.

He wonders how Even is doing, then immediately curses himself for thinking about Even when it hurts so much. Even his game can’t distract him fully and the zombies on his phone grab him way too easily. He curses again right as Jonas slides into the chair next to Isak smootly.

“Hey dude.” Isak looks up and nods his head once in reply. “You okay?”

He shrugs. He's been better, honestly. “I'm good.”

“So uh”, Jonas starts as he unpacks the sandwich he bought. It has cheese on it. Isak hates cheese. “what happened on Friday then?”

No beating around the bush then. Honestly, Isak should've expected it. Ever since Jonas was the first to know he was gay (apart from Eskild because well… there's no keeping secrets from Eskild, especially when it concerns sexuality) they've grown closer than they ever were.

“Uh”, Isak begins and looks around the canteen to see who’s around. He can see the girl from the first year that once showed an interest in him through Mahdi that Isak never got into because he was head over heels for Even already at the time. She’s talking to her friends and waves when she sees Isak looking her way. He casts her a small smile and turns his eyes back to Jonas. “Even was manic.”

Jonas is also the only one that knows about Even, because Even basically obliged him to tell _someone_ so he could talk to _someone_ about things when he felt he couldn't talk to Even.

“Shit.”

Isak huffs a laugh and nods. “Yeah. Shit.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“Uh, yeah, maybe.”

Jonas nods and takes a bite of his sandwich. It makes Isak’s stomach turn and he feels sick.

Mahdi and Magnus join them just as Jonas asks: “After school?”

“What after school?” Magnus asks.

“Isak needs my jacket since he doesn't have any nice jackets himself.”

“We need to take you shopping dude”, Mahdi pipes up.

Isak scrunches up his nose and shakes his head.

When they all turn to their food he looks at Jonas and nods once. Jonas’s an amazing friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those interested, this is the main article I used about Bipolar Disorder together with wikipedia and some other random ones: http://www.bipolarhappens.com/bipolar-teenager/
> 
> Let me know what you think :)


	5. Isak

**Mandag 12.12.17   kl. 15.38**

Isak is in front of their school waiting for Jonas to exit. He’s been nervous about this moment ever since he agreed to talk to Jonas about last Friday. He regrets agreeing but at the same time feels relieved that Jonas is willing to hear Isak complain about his love life with the boy who turned out to be mentally ill and manic during their first time having sex. Isak had never told Even this, but he’d cut off his mother because he wanted nothing to do with it. He hadn’t had a childhood like all his friends. He didn’t go on holidays. Because his mother couldn’t deal with the stress. He didn’t have a mother who would’ve done everything for him. Because half of the time she was too busy trying to survive the day herself. Isak used to blame her for everything, for his social anxiety and his lack of social skills and never feeling like he was good enough. He was never enough to make his mother feel better about life, but then he’d gotten older and things started making sense and one day he just asked his dad what was wrong with his mother. He’d realized that that’s not how mental illnesses work. That he _was_ and still is enough for his mother to live and that if she could, she’d show exactly how much he means to her. That if Isak wasn’t here, maybe his mother wouldn’t have been anymore either by now.

He still remembers the day as if it was yesterday. He can still feel his heart breaking every time he so much of thinks about it. He loves his mother, but he never wanted anything to do with mentally ill people because of it. He even called in sick to school when they went to a psychiatric hospital for Mental Health Day a couple years ago, accepting the substitute task (that he had to make in his free time at home) happily because it meant he wouldn’t have to deal with mentally ill people on top of living with one day in day out.  

“Isak?”

He turns his head to the familiar voice coming from his right and stops breathing. What is _she_ doing here? “Uh. Hi?”

“Hey. Can we talk maybe?”

“Uh”, Isak turns to look at the school building, as if Jonas would magically appear. But unfortunately for Isak that only happens in movies and parallel universes. “I’m waiting for a friend actually.”

Things stay quiet in between them for a while except for the occasional student passing them on their way home. “It won’t take long. It’s about Even.”

Hearing his boyfriend’s name is like a punch to the stomach. With a knife. He feels his muscles tense and pleads whoever is listening from somewhere to please have Jonas come out now and great them and save Isak in the meantime.

“Is he okay?”

“Yeah, he’s uh… good, considering. He’s been home, hasn’t left his room much since going home Saturday.”

“Oh.”

Isak’s seen Even down before. It hits Even hard and out of the blue. He just sleeps in those days, so Isak knows this is nothing to really worry about, so he doesn’t get why Sonja wants to talk about this then.

Isak looks up from his feet when he hears Jonas greeting them. He eyes Sonja and then Jonas who’s looking confused. “Hi”, Sonja mutters and looks at Isak with pleading eyes to please finish this conversation with her. It’s awkward all around. “I’m Sonja”, she holds out her hand for Jonas to shake. There’s a lot to say about Sonja, but being unfriendly isn’t one of them. Not when she’s not dealing with a panicking Isak after witnessing Even’s first manic episode at least.

“Jonas.”

“Uh, she’s a friend of Even”, Isak explains. There’s no need to make it more complex for Jonas. It doesn’t really matter right now who Sonja is.

Sonja soon understands that Jonas isn’t going anywhere and that if she wants to talk that she’ll have to do it with him around.

“I uh…” she looks at the boys’ reactions, but there’s nothing but anticipation of what she’s going to say, “wanted to say sorry actually. For Friday. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Isak flinches at the reminder of her words.

_He’s bipolar, and if you don’t know how to deal with that, then maybe you shouldn’t be with him in the first place._

In the early days of his relationship with Even he was filled with doubts, wondering whether or not he should even _be_ with Even because let’s admit it… Even is way out of Isak’s league. But then Even had somehow pried it out of Isak and let’s just say that not once after that Isak had felt those doubts again.

So hearing Sonja speak out words he had told himself over and over again not too long ago was like a sucker punch because in one second Isak was back to self-doubt and dead set on protecting Even from everything that Isak can’t give him.  

He loves Even, he’s never actually felt anything like this before, but there’s still Isak thinking that he’s not strong enough, not right enough for Even.

“Oh, okay.” What else does she expect him to say? “Uh, thank you.”

Jonas shuffles where he stands and is mostly just looking at his feet, probably trying to pretend that he’s not witnessing this awkwardness.

“You should go talk to Even, Isak.”

“Uh, yeah. Maybe”, Isak mumbles and doesn’t dare look up, scared of more painful words being thrown his way. He knows he’s a coward, he already admitted to being a crappy boyfriend, but he can’t face Even right now. He’s too vulnerable and he needs to be strong for Even when he sees him. He’s the one that’s going through the hardest time right now. All the things Isak is feeling… Even is feeling them a ten times worse.

Isak thinks they both need some time to let it all sink in before they talk and rush it.

“Okay. Well, uh, okay. Good. Bye then?”

Isak nods once. “Bye.”

When she’s out of sight Jonas whistles. “ _Duuuude_ , that was awkward.”

Isak doesn’t do or say anything. He just stands there for a while, letting what just happened sink in. “Kebab?” He asks Jonas when he’s done being in his head a minute later. He’s not hungry, but he needs something to do. He needs to just not talk about Even for a little while.

Jonas probably knows all this so he easily agrees. “Kebab sounds good.”

That night, when Isak’s alone in his room and sick of walking from one wall to the other and back and can’t lie still on his bed or concentrate on whatever he finds on Netflix, he calls Even.

It rings until it goes to voicemail so Isak ends the call.

* * *

   ** _Tirsdag 13.12.17   kl. 00.59_**

**Mamma**

(00:59)

_You are of your father the devil and you want to do the desires of your father He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him Whenever he speaks a lie he speaks from his own nature for he is a liar and the father of lies_

 

* * *

**_Onsdag 14.12.17   kl. 12.31_ **

School is pure torture. Don’t get him wrong, it’s never his favorite place in the world to be in, but he usually doesn’t really _mind_ school. He has cool friends, his classes are actually pretty interesting at the moment and they’re pretty free to do what they want in free moments throughout the day. It’s a pretty chill school.

But this week _sucks_. And that’s quite the understatement. It’s his personal form of hell on earth. He can’t concentrate on anything. He’s forgotten all about his assignments for this week which meant he had to deal with a bitchy Sana because she had to do everything on her own for Biology. And he has a big test tomorrow that he hasn’t started studying for. He doesn’t think he’ll start today since it’s a lost cause already. His concentration is still below zero and it’s not going to change anytime soon. He’ll just have to wing it.

The boys all know something happened on Friday and Isak doesn’t want to talk or even _think_ about it so they all do their very best to distract him from his own haunting memories. Not that them talking about hot girls and parties is anything Isak is really distracted by. He used to tune those conversations out even before he got together with Even. He doesn’t care about hearing about vaginas and female orgasms and whatnot.

Jonas is the only one that knows everything that happened on Friday, even about Isak and Even having sex for the first time instead of just getting each other off. He’s not ashamed to tell those things and Jonas isn’t weird about listening to Isak talk about it. Probably because he’s so used to talking about sex with girls with the other boys by now because his friends are way too fucking open about the sex stuff.

He’d advised Isak to talk to Magnus because his mother is Bipolar too and maybe he can give Isak some tips to deal with mania. Isak classified that idea as stupid, but with each hard day passing by he’s doubting that more and more.

Either way, Isak is thinking that maybe he should talk to Magnus anyway. He knows he wants to talk to Even. He knows that much, he just doesn’t know _how_ and the longer he waits the more he feels like he can’t just show up at Even’s place and pretend that he wasn’t gone for days. He hopes that Magnus can help him. But when it comes to asking Magnus, and especially finding the courage to do so, he can’t. He hates talking about Even like that. He had basically forced Isak to talk to Jonas, _true_ , but he never said that he couldn’t tell Magnus or Mahdi or anyone else Isak wanted to tell. That’s what Isak made of it.

It’s not his story to tell.

So after he gave Jonas an entire speech trying to explain why it didn’t feel right to talk to Magnus (or anyone except for him for that matter) about Even, Jonas let it go.

His eyes fall on the bench against the wall at the other side of the canteen. The bench where Even sat the first time Isak noticed him. It was Vilde’s sharp voice that drew his attention but as soon as his eyes fell on the guy Isak had never seen before with the blonde hair falling just the right way and his strong jawline and plump lips, dressed casually in a jean jacket; he couldn’t hear Vilde’s voice pleading for him to join their Kosegruppa. No, he was lost. Lost in the guy that would later turn out to be Even Bech Næsheim. The boy (or man since he was over 18) Isak would fall head over heels for.

All he could see (and feel) was Even (and the flutters in his stomach).

“… Isak. Earth to Isak, can you hear me?”

He shakes his head free from the memory and looks around the table at his friends. Mahdi’s looking amusingly annoyed, Magnus looks the same as always and Jonas looks worried. He shifts his gaze back to Mahdi.

“Welcome back, bro”, Mahdi laughs. “Party on Friday?”

Isak shrugs. “Okay, I guess.”

Friday. Exactly two days from now would mark one week since Even’s outburst. And he still hasn’t heard anything from him. Or the other way around.

Isak misses his boyfriend. He can’t believe they’ve gone without talking or texting or sending smoke signals for an entire week almost. He got so addicted to talking to Even but right now, texting him felt wrong. Calling him felt wrong and going over was a big no-no because he’d never even met Even’s parents and it would be all kinds of weird. He’s decided (right now) that he would talk to Magnus first before talking to Even. Maybe he will know what Isak should do.

“Pre-party at yours?” Jonas looks hopeful when he says it and Isak knows exactly why. He’s made it his life mission these past couple of days to make Isak forget about everything that’s going on. If that means getting him drunk to hopefully forget for a while, Isak thinks Jonas would gladly take the opportunity. Having the pre-party at his apartment would mean that Isak _has_ to join them.

“Uh. I’ll check with the others, I don’t know.”

“It’s never not been okay”, Mahdi speaks up before taking a bite of his waffle.

“Mahdi. I’ll ask.”

Mahdi puts up his hands in surrender. “Fine”, he says, “but it’ll be okay.”

“Mahdi!”

 


	6. Isak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second to last chapter! I'm going to say thank you already for reading, I really really appreciate it!!

**_Søndag 18.12.17   kl. 19.48_ **

**Magnus Fosbakken**

(19:48)

 

Mags?

Yes?

Can I ask you something?

Sure

Something personal?

Just ask, Isak

Your mom. She’s bipolar, right?

Yeah. Why?

How do you deal with mania?

Uh. There’s not much contact when she’s on a high. She doesn’t talk much to us even though she talks a lot, if that makes sense.

Uh, I think so yes

What after?

She usually gets super down and can’t do much. She tries but it’s hard. She’s the best.

Okay

Why are you asking?

Uh… You know Even right

Of course wtf Isak

He’s bipolar too

Oh okay

Did something happen

He was manic Friday

We went to a hotel together and he walked out naked in the middle of the night

Haha seriously?

Yeah it’s not funny

Haven’t seen him since but I don’t know how to talk to him or what to say

I’m scared I’ll fuck it up

Or that he’s not up for visitors

But I miss him you know

And Sonja’s been there so I don’t know

Talking to him doesn’t have to be different. Just talk to him like you always would and it should be fine

You might not get through 100% but see how he is. Only the first couple days are super hazy

At least with my mom but it’s different for everyone

No one expects you to be perfect with it except for you. Just tell Even that you’re not sure what to do I think he’ll understand

Should I text him?

Yeah maybe. Or call to see if he’s up to it

What if he’s not

Give him a couple days then. It’s tough falling from the high my mom always says

Yeah okay

Thanks Mags

No problem bro

But uh how are you?

I’m fine

* * *

 

**Mandag 19.12.17   kl. 4.35**

**Mamma**

(04:35)

_Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom_

_He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak_

_Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall_

_But those who hope in the LORDwill renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary they will walk and not be faint_

 

* * *

 

**Onsdag 21.12.17   kl. 9.06**

**Mamma**

(9:06)

_But false prophets also arose among the people, just as there will also be false teachers among you, who will secretly introduce destructive heresies, even denying the Master who bought them, bringing swift destruction upon themselves. Many will follow their sensuality and because of them the way of the truth will be maligned; and in their greed they will exploit you with false words; their judgement from long ago not idle and their destruction is not asleep_

 

* * *

 

**_Onsdag 21.12.17   kl. 10.11_ **

Isak’s frowning at his phone, letting his eyes slide of the words his mother just sent him but not reading them, when Vilde’s shrill voice interrupts him.

“Hi Isak!”

“Hey Vilde.”

Isak sees Jonas’s crinkled eyes from trying to stifle his laugh behind Vilde. Isak really hates his friends sometimes.

“We’re having a Kosegruppa party on Friday and I was wondering if we could have it at your apartment? Last time was so unbelievably cozy so it would be great if we could have it there again.”

Isak sighs and wonders what the easiest way to let Vilde down is.

“I don’t think I can, Vilde.”

“Why not?”

“I uh…”

Jonas’s voice interrupts them and maybe Isak has to take back his words because he honestly thinks he loves Jonas a little (a lot) right now. “We’re pre-partying at Isak’s place on Friday.”

Vilde looks behind her at Jonas and then gazes back at Isak as if trying to catch him in a lie. “Yep, we’re going to a ’00 party from someone at Elvebakken that Mahdi knows.”

It’s a complete lie. They’re not going to a party on Friday and so they’re not pre-partying anywhere.

“Okay but can we pre-party with you guys then and I’ll find a party we can go to too then. No problem.”

“Vilde.”

Isak’s patience is low. It’s been so extremely low for more than a week now and he’s stretched thin. He’s not slept more than four hours a night ever since the hotel and he’s just so fucking done.

He’s done with classes and having to pay attention. He’s done with tests. He’s done with school work. He’s especially done with trying to be pleasurable. The boys know by now that they shouldn’t test him and that when he asks them to shut up; they better shut up or ignore him which is just as fine by Isak honestly.

“What? We really need to have it at your place Isak. I know right now’s not an ideal time with Even being sick but –”

“Vilde.” Jonas’s voice sounds urgent but who is Isak to judge because he feels lightheaded hearing his boyfriend’s name come out of her mouth and his hearing has gone to shit. It’s like being underwater. He has a hard time focusing on his surroundings for a couple seconds before dragging himself back to the present by pinching himself. Hard.

“What with Even? Huh? What the fuck are you talking about Vilde?”

Vilde’s eyes pop open in shock and she stutters, “Uh. Just, you know, people are saying that he went crazy again so…”

It’s probably best that Jonas steps in between them and forces Vilde to step back because Isak doesn’t know what he would’ve done if he hadn’t.

“He’s not crazy!” People scattered around the hallway look their way, some whispering to the person standing next to them, some walking away because they don’t care or don’t want to witness what it already turning out to be a fight. “Fuck you! He’s not crazy. You with your damn gossip all the fucking time, when will you ever stop? Huh? When will you realize that this is not your life and it doesn’t fucking _concern_ you! Keep your fucking nose out of everyone’s business and –”

Jonas’s hand on his shoulder shuts Isak up immediately. “Isak, bro, calm down, okay?”

“She has no fucking right to –”

“I didn’t mean to –”

“Vilde. Not now”, Jonas shuts her up firmly. “No Kosegruppa at Isak’s on Friday, now go. You have a place to find for your gathering, no?”

“Fine”, she rolls her eyes and leaves.

“And you”, Jonas addresses Isak, “you and I are ditching school right now and we’re going to go _talk_. Okay?”

Isak doesn’t want to cry in school. He’s tried his very best this past week to not let the tears escape until he’s safely locked inside his room in his shared apartment, but right now he just can’t. People have no idea what it’s like. His mother is fucking insane when she’s talking about demons coming to get them and how she has to protect Isak and used to refuse Isak leaving the house (even for school) because it wasn’t safe out there.

But he fucking loves his mother. Crazy sometimes or not. He loves her.

And now people are talking about Even the way he used to talk about his mother and it hit him hard. Harder than he expected. Stronger than he anticipated and definitely a lot harder than he could deal with – especially right now. Especially when he’s already vulnerable because of everything happening with Even right now.

“I need to go talk to Even.”

Jonas nods his head. “Yes, you should. But let’s calm you down first and then you can go, okay? I don’t think you going over to Even all riled up is going to do any good.”

“Yeah”, Isak easily agrees because Jonas is completely right, “you’re right.”

“Aren’t I always?” He laughs.

Isak huffs. “You wish.”

Yeah. He definitely loves Jonas (a lot).

 


	7. Isak + Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. This is the end. I'm thankful for every single one of you that read this story, I really am. I hope you're happy with the ending I chose to write, because it took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to do with it. 
> 
> Let me know what you thought, I love to hear your guys's thoughts.

**_Onsdag 21.12.17   kl. 13.25_ **

The room is dark litted when he enters it. There are long black light-blocking curtains hanging in front of the large windows and Isak’s pretty sure those weren’t there before.

He hits multiple things, cursing when his knee hits the small table that used to be on the _other_ _side_ of Even’s bedroom. He hears Even gasp at Isak’s voice and he flinches.

Not exactly a great entrance.

“Even?”

The comforter ruffles when Even turns around and peeps at Isak. He sighs, breathes in loudly (or is the room just so quiet?) and whispers a hi that makes his voice break.

“Uhm.” Isak shuffles and twists his hands in each other. “How uh… how are you?”

Isak barely hears the “I’m doing okay” because of the comforter in front of Even’s mouth.  

“Uhm, can we maybe… talk a bit?”

Even rolls on his back and stares at the ceiling for what seems like forever and Isak’s starting to feel really out of place. He wants to suggest coming back some other time, when Even feels more like it, when Even pushes himself up in his bed and looks at Isak from above.

He feels tiny under Even’s stare.

“Yeah. We should talk.”

Hearing Even say it like that, it doesn’t sound good. It doesn’t sound good at all.

It sounds like Isak’s going to get his heart broken.

Worst case scenarios fill up his mind immediately and he’s so lost in them that he doesn’t register Even crawling down the ladder attached to his bed and stand in front of Isak, waiting.

“Can I uh… Can I hug… you?”

And fuck if Even’s insecure voice doesn’t make Isak’s eyes tear up. “Yeah, of course.” He just… what’s going through his boyfriend’s mind... “Even.”

Isak’s words are lost when Even immediately pulls Isak to him and hugs him harder than he ever has before. Maybe he’s making up for the two weeks that they haven’t talked and touched each other, but it feels more like Even is holding onto Isak so that he won’t go.

“I love you”, he whispers and pecks Even’s exposed neck cautiously. Even reacts by intensifying the hug they’re in. Isak smiles against his boyfriend’s neck and tightens his hold around the taller boy’s waist as well. “I’ve missed you. I’m so sorry.”

Even pulls back and looks so shocked. So – bewildered and confused. “What?”

His voice sounds so small and lost. He won’t leave Even alone again.

“Sorry I haven’t been here”, Isak whispers and hides his face back in Even’s neck when he can’t hold back the tears longer. “I let you down.”

Even kisses the side of Isak’s face. He hasn’t felt like doing anything for days and Isak being here is what gives him what little energy he needs to do everything he wants to do at the moment. Isak is a good reason to get out of bed if it means he can hold his boyfriend.

“ _No”,_ he says urgently, “you didn’t. I let _you_ down.”

He’s tired and burned up and so exhausted still but he _needs_ Isak to believe him because he’s the reason Even has felt like coming out of bed again for the first time in two weeks.

“You didn’t. Even.”

“What did Sonja say to you?” Somehow he really needs to know because Sonja seemed so sorry and ashamed of what she’d done and maybe it’s one of the reasons it took Isak 13 days to get back to Even.

“She – it doesn’t matter. She kinda had a point but that’s not the point right now, Even. I’m _sorry._ I should have – I don’t know – I should have done something more. But I got so scared of doing something wrong and I had no idea what to do.”

Isak starts crying for real now, all the emotions of the past weeks getting too much with Even finally in front of him. He doesn’t hold back the tears because he knows Even doesn’t mind.

“Baby”, Even whispers and strokes a soft curl out of Isak’s face and looks at him enamored. “you couldn’t know. It’s so complex. It’s not your fault, okay?”

“I did some research.” Even would laugh if he could muster the energy. Of course Isak did some research. He shouldn’t have expected any different from his science loving evidence based boyfriend. “And I still know shit about how to handle a manic episode, or a depressive one for that matter, and it makes me feel so inadequate. I feel like –”

“Okay stop.” Even needs to stop Isak right there. “Don’t, okay? Just – you’re not inadequate. You’re here right now and it’s more than I could wish for. Okay?”

Isak nods reluctantly. Then he looks at Even who still looks so tired. “Want to go back to bed?”

Even nods. “Sorry.”

Isak smiles and shakes his head. “Don’t be.” Even smiles back for a second and pulls Isak with him when he turns back to climb back up to drop down on his bed and sleep. He needs to rest and then maybe they can try this again.

He hopes Isak knows that. He opens his mouth to explain things to Isak but his boyfriend just shrugs out of his jacket and snuggles close to Even, his arm casually thrown over Even’s stomach, face against his shoulder. “A nap is exactly what I need.”

Even smiles at that because Isak gets him without him having to say anything. He goes with Even’s flow so effortlessly that for a moment Even feels unworthy of being on the receiving end of Isak’s love but then Isak kisses his jaw and whispers that he loves him and the feeling is gone.

He loves this boy with every cell in his body and he might not be perfect and he might be fucked up and crazy sometimes without him wanting to, but he _loves_ this boy next to him.

And somehow that’s enough for Isak. So who is Even to tell Isak that he can’t love him, that they can’t be good together?

It feels good and feeling good is something Even hasn’t felt for quite some time now. So he accepts Isak’s affection and quickly pecks the top of the blonde’s head.

“I love you”, he whispers in the empty room and he can feel Isak’s smile against his shoulder. For now it’s enough.

Maybe in another universe they’re perfect, but lying here with Isak pressed against him; he doesn’t want perfect. He wants things to be exactly like this. He forgets about being bipolar and his manic outburst for a moment. For a moment he forgets about all the pressure and all the tears and his fucked up brain.

Because no matter what universe they find themselves in, Even knows they’ll always end up together. They’ll always find each other and be good for each other. Fucked up or not.

Isak falls asleep then and there and Even doesn’t have it in him to wake him up because he looked exhausted when he arrived. He somehow convinces his mother to just let Isak sleep over when she comes in to tell them that Isak should go home for the night.

“Please mom, he’s finally sleeping and I know he’s not been sleeping a lot in the past weeks. Please?”

“He has to go to school tomorrow Even.”

“I’ll set an alarm and make sure he goes.”

She doesn’t mention that it’s really hard for Even to open his eyes when he’s down, let alone set an alarm he’d wake up to so he can wake up his boyfriend and send him off to school.

She just smiles at him lovingly and blows him a kiss. “Okay. I love you, sweetie. Good night.”

“Good night.”

* * *

 

**_Torsdag 22.12.17   kl. 9.32_ **

When Even wakes up the next morning Isak is gone. He finds a note somewhere in his bed and his phone alerting him with new text messages. Both from Isak.

_You’re so cute when you sleep ;)_

_School finishes at 14.50 today_

_Love you baby x_

 

* * *

 

__

**Author's Note:**

> I hope I did it justice a bit because I'd hate to ruin an amazing storyline like Even's and Isak's. Let me know what you think! ♥


End file.
